my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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