I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
