I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
