i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
