Pants 0. Shit 1.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize