Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
