She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
