I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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