I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
