Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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