The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
