are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
