and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize