my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
