he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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