Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize