does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
