all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
