Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
