You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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