singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hippo gnu deer
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
