just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
