you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
