i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
