my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
