How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
