i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
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