I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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