This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
