if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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