your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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