Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
