the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize