fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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