just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
