dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
