She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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