My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
