And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
