after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
