i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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