just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
vagina is talking i cant
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
