I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
