he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need to calm my uterus...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
