Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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