I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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