If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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