Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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