so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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