he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize