I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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