I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dear god my vagina.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
