Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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