cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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