tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
