I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
