I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
